if only i could text you this smell
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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