Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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