Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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