Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
