fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
