Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
