Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
did i just pee glitter
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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