Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
