My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
A+ Viking dick
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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