she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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