Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
