I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
