you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
