There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
