i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
