I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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