Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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