see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
