my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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