woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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