Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
