She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize