im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
