It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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