I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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