i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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