I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
