I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
