Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
