She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
