Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
