i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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