No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
