I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
