My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
