Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize