She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
