I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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