Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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