I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
