Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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