I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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