Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
