I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
