he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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