I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
