You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
