the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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