Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
