I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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