im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize