Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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