I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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