I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Sober January is a disaster.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
