My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
