My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
