whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
