you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
