Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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