I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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